Sometimes the most difficult thing in the world to admit is that we are not okay...
I don't want everyone to know that I am struggling.
The last thing that I ever want is for anyone to look at me and feel sorry for me.
I'm not a victim, and I will get through this.
They would never look at me the same if they knew.
These are just a few of the lies that I tell myself on a regular basis. The things that I let run through my head just so that whenever anyone asks how I'm doing I say, "I'm good." Now obviously I can't just unload on every single person I come into contact with, but the question is do I tell anyone? Do I even get really honest in my prayers? Often the answer to both of those questions is no. That's tough for me to reconcile. I mean, how can I be a vessel to be used for God's glory if all I'm doing is working so hard to put a front up and hiding my real struggles? Is it really important for us to be honest about our struggles?
Scripture gives many examples of heroes of the faith that brought their struggles to God. Job, David, Elijah, and Paul are just a few that jump out at me as I think about that. I also notice though that as I read about them that many of them share their struggles with other people also. Paul tells the Corinthians in II Corinthians 12:5, "On behalf of this man I will boast, but on my own behalf I will not boast, except of my weaknesses." He goes on to speak of a thorn in his flesh given to "keep me from becoming conceited." Job spoke with his friends and his wife about all that he was going through. David shared many of his burdens with Jonathan. Elijah and Elisha surely shared many burdens together before Elijah was taken in a chariot of fire.
We were created for relationship. Relationship with God first and foremost, but we also need relationships here on earth. We need people to listen and to care, and we are called to do the same for them. Christ came that we may have life and have it abundantly. I don't know about you, but if I'm trying to put on a facade it's hard to live an abundant life. When I finally let go of some of the secrets and the burdens though it's like I can move forward with hope. Holding so tightly to the idea that we are always supposed to be okay can be so damaging. It's okay to not be okay. Jesus is waiting there to hear each one of your struggles, be painfully honest with Him. Then find that person that you can trust, someone who will cry with you and pray with you. That's how you get to okay from not being okay.
Many times today I see evangelical Christians who forget that Jesus is ALL that we need. I hear so often stories of how God showed up just when they needed it. God isn't there though just to help us through our trials or help when the bills need to be paid. He created a world that we brought sin into, and with sin comes pain and heartache. There are Christians suffering around the world today who may not get the food they need to make it through the day. They may be beaten to death behind bars. Does that mean that God didn't show up when they needed it? NO!!!! The reality is that He showed up when we needed a Savior. He came as a baby, fully God and fully man. He came ready to take the sin of the world on His shoulders. He came ready to experience not just an excruciatingly painful death, but an unimaginable separation from His Father. Jesus already showed up for us when we needed it.
So today maybe you aren't okay and in reality you may not be okay anytime soon, but that's okay. Jesus is there to walk with you while you're in the middle of it. He's also promised you an amazing future if you just choose to follow Him now. It will all be okay one day, maybe not this week, this month, or even in this lifetime but one day...
"I will greatly rejoice in the Lord; my soul shall exult in my God, for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation; he has covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decks himself like a priest with a beautiful headdress, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels." - Isaiah 61:10 ESV
So, it’s okay to not be okay. However, it’s not okay to not be okay and still be actively prevented from having any contact whatsoever with one’s child? Despite the active efforts to establish even a scant amount of communication with said child? Where in Scripture is this justified? How many lies, or at the least, untruths have been told and spread about this parent? Attempt after attempt, nothing but walls and roadblocks have presented themselves. No one, in good conscience, could uphold such an ungodly amount of falsehoods and refusal to own one’s own sins or failures for the sake of finger pointing and patent stone throwing. There is not a single atom within my body that has not longed to nor tried to have any semblance of communication with my child. I remain the scapegoat who bears all of the sin while you are whitewashed of yours and most are swept under the proverbial rug. Even myself, having been on the receiving end of attempts on my life at the expense of my own biological father, was still afforded the truth and the ability to make efforts to establish some sort of relationship or connection between myself and him. Something that has been withheld from me, while making yourself out to be a victim of imaginary sins on my part. I own mine. You refuse to own yours. I’ve tried to right my wrongs, or at least make amends for them. You toe the line akin to modern day politicians and healthcare providers: delay, defend, and deny.
ReplyDeleteMy heart is incapable of being broken more than it has been these past 8 years. You shout about forgiveness and how no sin is too great. Here I stand as the exception to your claims…claims without justification. I’m sure you imagine Christ would approve of your motives, choices, and actions when it comes to me. Christ is not clay…not Play-doh, and certainly not a build-your-own Savior. I guess when forgiveness and grace was offered, it excluded me.
I have remained silent and patient and hopeful and refusing to accept the very idea that I was being lied about and demonized. Come to find out I was wrong. Well, I won’t be silent or passive or anything of the sort any longer.
The truth has lain dormant for all this time. No longer.
I’ve begged. I’ve pleaded. I’ve petitioned. I’ve prayed. I’ve longed and I’ve hoped. All to no avail.
I’m left with no option than to stop being silent and to finally release the truths and the facts and let the court of public opinion and God Himself be the judge.
I’m not a devil. I’m not the Devil. I’m not innocent. I’m not the enemy, neither. I’m just not opposed to self-reflection, humility, honesty, or the ability to admit my wrongs and attempt to make them right. The last two, I have long failed to see take place from one who speaks so much about forgiveness and love and grace and compassion.
Yet that doesn’t apply to me, does it?
Paint as you wish, try as you may…as I said, though: it’s time for the truth to speak for itself.
Alyssa, if you wish, I am here and I am willing to answer any questions, atone for any hurt, or pain I’ve somehow caused in absentia. Just know that there has been no lack of effort on my part. For years…I have tried. Open your eyes or at least open your heart to the idea of looking or climbing over the wall that was built between us with no effort of either of us. 615.669.1452 — 931.371.0546 — theandythompson@me.com
Is grace and forgiveness for anyone or anyone except me. If I am exempt from either or both, how evil I must have been made out to be!
Those in glass houses and stones thrown or speck/plank and all that jazz…
I have tried and I just can’t seem to find anything in Scripture or in the Spirit of Christ to justify your actions, Angela. Either live what you preach or own up to your hate for me and your active and successful efforts to all but erase me from history and any future chapters of our beautiful child’s life.
Here’s hoping those who need to read this will be able to do so before it is deleted and erased like everything else you want to forget or deny from your past.